I Said What?

Chase's comment on my most recent article brought up a very good memory from high school that I would like to share because it is marginally funny and entertaining. If anything, it might make you think about laughing or something. Anyways, it happened our final glorious year of high school. Chase and I, along with another of our friends, were blessed with the great fortune of placement in the same gym/study period. This was awesome because I didn't have to hang out with all the weirdos I didn't know, and it was the last period of the day so I could leave school early on the days we went to study!

Let me first provide a description of the gym class. Chase and I were without a doubt the minorities in a class filled with Puerto Ricans and probably some other ethnic groups. I'm too ignorant to know all the ethnic groups by which I was surrounded. Our other friend that I mentioned was in the class with us is Puerto Rican, but he's very different from his brethren. I'll refer to the other people in the gym class as the majority in this particular post. So, the majorities were the classic high school students who thought they were great at every sport, regardless if we were playing basketball, football, softball, it didn't matter, they thought they were great at it. No matter how many bricks they put up, how many passes they dropped, or how slow they actually moved, in their heads they were superstars. That must be why most of them didn't play any sports even at the high school level. My apologies, some of the majority might have been on the 3,209 person football roster.

Gym class itself was, and I have no doubt in my mind that it still is, a complete joke. Really all that the "physical education" teachers did was take attendance and then give us a ball. "Here's a basketball. Now try to get it in that hoop." I just remembered the stupid fitness test thing we had to pass each year, what a load of garbage. On this one particular day we were "playing" softball. I didn't give a shit about anything going on in gym class, so Chase, our majority friend, and I were just standing in the outfield chatting. Somehow we got on the subject of girlfriends. The conversation was flowing along smoothly, nothing out of the ordinary, until the utterance of the question. The question was served up by our majority friend. The question: "How about you, Toninho (I get to refer to myself in the third-person with my blog name!), have you ever had a girlfriend?" Before I get to the answer to this question, I must first give background information on my friendship with Chase and our majority friend.

I will start with our majority friend. I had first met him in fifth grade, I believe. So we certainly knew each other, but we hadn't hung out or anything at this point. We were on good terms and were beginning to develop a good friendship. I'll just say that we didn't know very much about one another in particular. As for Chase, I had just met him about halfway through the previous school year. I don't know why it took so long for our paths to cross, but we met in a totally awesome English class! We had hung out once outside of school for the first time at the very end of junior year and were in the process of mixing our groups of friends together. However, we still didn't know each other too well. So all three of us were friends, but not extremely close friends that know all the mannerisms and tendencies of each other, at least not at that point. Make a sense? That might be somewhat funny if you get it. If not, then you can blame China. This information is important when thinking about how my response to the question weighed between my companions.

The utterance of the question brought with it silence among the three of us. My simple, concise, straight to the point reply verbatim: "Nah, I'm pretty gay." Silence. More silence. And a little more silence. Then I laughed, bringing delight to our little pow-wow. This historic moment remains a focal point in the development of our friendship. I hope you enjoyed the story, and if you didn't, you can suck my big, fat, hairy left toe!

An Excruciatingly Painful Relationship

I love video games, I hate video games. Quite often when I play video games by my lonesome, I end up in an uncontrollable fit of rage. Video games are very fun for the most part, but there's always some aspect or part of the game that just pisses me off to no avail. Regardless of how angry the games make me, I always come back for more. Most of the time, a gaming session starts out relatively fun, but there always seems to be that moment where I just get ass-raped and that is what makes me go on a hell-bent rampage. No, this is not an article about a horrible relationship I had with a girl.

Sophomore year of college I used to play Halo 3 all the time with the people I lived with. I had a great time and it was actually really fun to play with a team that you could communicate with by just yelling to the other room. The problem here is simple though, it is the same problem I run into at tremendous speed in every game I play online. Some people are just way too good and it makes it double plus ungood. I don't know how some people get so good at games like Halo, but I can take the stereotypical approach and assume that they live in their mom's basement and play games all day, after all, it's probably true. Anyways, it is very common that we would be stuck in a game with those assholes that run shit in Halo 3. The people that get perfect head shots with the battle rifle, but could beat the shit out of you with any weapon whenever they wanted. Other times it was those pieces of shit that stand outside the lifts with the swords and wait for people like me to come up so they can ram the sword in my asshole. These are the types of things that pissed me off and made me yell terrible things about how playing the game was worse than cancer.
 

Something all gamers should strive for

My ranting doesn't end with Halo 3, recently my anger has shifted to one of the 3,000 Call of Duty games, Black Ops to be specific. Lots of people who play that game seem to already have a year worth of gaming time when the game has only been out for about seven months. Yeah, I'm talking to you guys with your golden guns. I don't know why, but it always makes me extra mad when someone with a gold gun kills me. Those nine-million prestige bastards. I'm just trying to have some fun. I get my shit rocked in this game all the time, usually it's because I try to do stupid things and continue to get angrier with each death until it's absolutely unbearable and I have to stop playing.

Gordon Freeman, a man after my own heart

It's not only online gaming that pisses me off, I have a hatred for some parts of campaigns in games. This hatred is just not as prevalent because I don't get my ass beaten to a bloody pulp as often in campaigns. Believe me though, there are always difficult parts in campaigns that make me want to hit things. Sometimes I wish I could go back and watch myself rage because it's actually really funny from a third person perspective. I have considered getting one of those capture card things so I could record myself, but they're kind of expensive and I'd probably need to buy an external hard drive, too, so I would have space to store all my outbursts. I won't rule out the possibility of this happening though because it would sure make for some great entertainment!

Lets talk about Shortstops shall we?

I thought of an awesome way to whore myself out on the internet to get more views!  Unfortunately for you it doesn't have anything to do with actual whoring or the work of actual whores, but instead it will utilize my large passion for baseball and baseball stats.  I figure the times I wrote about baseball were some of my more popular articles from my own blog I Sometimes Call Myself Chase Robertson, so maybe it would work here at RG as well.  Since it seems to be a topic of interest in the last decade or two, I will specifically discuss the top shortstops in the game so far in the 2011 season.  Enjoy.

This statistical binge was due to seeing about the 100th great defensive play this year from Asdrubal Cabrera (sorry I couldn't find the video for the other amazing no-look double play he made today) and instantly tracking down my brother to ask him if he thinks Cabrera is officially one of the top 3 Shortstops in the game now that Hanley Ramirez decided that since he already gave up hustling and giving a shit on the field, that he would also give up hitting as well.  Needless to say this led to a long conversation about the Shortstops in the game, and naturally that led me to Baseball-Reference.com, Microsoft Excel, and a sabermetrical creation of my own that I like to call Run Independent Hitting, which more or less uses raw statistics that are not (read: minimally) biased to what team the player plays for, and spits out an estimate for how many runs they should have produced given such statistics.  I will also clarify that I consider runs produced to be runs and RBI with home runs subtracted since you get one run and one RBI for a home run, but the team only gains one on the scoreboard, so you only produce one run.  Also, since at this point in the season there are players who have been injured and missed time, so I am ranking players not on how many runs my formula says they would produce, but rather how many runs they produce for every 27 outs they would make, or how many runs would be produced in a game if they were the entire offense.  Lets start with the stinkers!

Scraping the Bottom of the Barrel
Worst: Rafael Fucal, Los Angeles Dodgers
Not particularly fair to Furcal because he has only had 100 at bats on the season (which was the minimum at bats I counted), he is an above average Shortstop every other season, but I'm just going by the numbers.  Only 1.77 runs produced per 27 outs?  Sorry Rafael, you are playing like shit in those 100 at bats.

Maybe I should add some style points...

Second Worst: Reid Brignac, Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Maybe someone needs to exorcise Tampa's shortstop just like the team's name, when they lost the Devil they won the AL East, if Brignac loses whatever demons are haunting him he might get his OBP to a respectable level for batting average, or at least his slugging percentage.  2.27 would be a phenomenal number if it were runs given up per game, not runs produced.

Still Very Bad: Paul Janish, Cincinnati Reds Louisville Bats

Producing 2.76 runs for every 27 outs you make explains why this guy is 28 and back in AAA.

Boooooooo!: Brandon Crawford, San Francisco Giants

They aren't going to win the World Series again if they have a shortstop who isn't even producing 3 runs by the  time he makes 27 outs.  Luckily for them, he's young (24), his actual runs produced per 27 outs is 7, and he is one of three Giants Shortstops to be considered.

The King of Shit: Tsuyoshi Nishioka, Minnesota Twins
Just because they are Japanese doesn't mean they are going to play like Ichiro.  Since he only has 107 at bats maybe they could blame the RP/27 of 3.15 on "jetlag" or "culture shock".

I thought Tsuyoshi Shinjo would've scared GMs away from the name.

Below Average
Still Not Creating a Win
Alex Gonzalez, Atlanta Braves, 3.55 RP/27
Cliff Pennington, Oakland Athletics, 3.62 RP/27
Yuniesky Betancourt, Milwaukee Brewers, 3.62 RP/27
Miguel Tejada, San Francisco Giants, 3.81 RP/27
Ian Desmond, Washington Nationals, 3.87 RP/27
Edgar Renteria, Cincinnati Reds, 3.88 RP/27

This is using the assumption that you can equate 4 runs to a win, which is probably not true in reality but I've heard it before so I used it.  I like this list of players though, its either over-the-hill veterans or young kids... Except for Betancourt.

I Hope All These Guys Are Role Players
Elliot Johnson, Tampa Bay Rays, 4.35 RP/27
Jason Bartlett, San Diego Padres, 4.38 RP/27
Alcides Escobar, Kansas City Royals, 4.45 RP/27
Ronny Cedeno, Pittsburgh Pirates, 4.46 RP/27
Ryan Theriot, St. Louis Cardinals, 4.65 RP/27
Derek Jeter, New York Yankees, 4.95 RP/27
Marco Scutaro, Boston Red Sox, 4.98 RP/27
Clint Barmes, Houston Astros, 5.09 RP/27

These guys aren't ruining your team, they just aren't likely to win you many games.  I would also like to congratulate Derek Jeter (Captain Groundout) on his 3,000th career hit, at least he has something to be happy about during his abysmal season.  None, of these guys surprise me as being  below average shortstops, most of them are pretty dispensable.

Finally!  I'm done taking out the trash!

Above Average
Don't Mind Having Them Around
Stephen Drew, Arizona Diamondbacks, 5.53 RP/27
Alexei Ramirez, Chicago White Sox, 5.69 RP/27
Jed Lowrie, Boston Red Sox, 5.76 RP/27
Starlin Castro, Chicago Cubs, 5.97 RP/27
Jimmy Rollins, Philadelphia Phillies, 5.98 RP/27

Look at these names, now look again at the last group.  That's the difference between a below average Shortstop and an above average Shortstop.  Unfortunately for me I had to put both of my fantasy league Shortstops in this list, I hoped they would be higher.  Also I heard Jed Lowrie walks around the locker room without pants because he is very well endowed, isn't that interesting!

He is giggling about how big his penis is.

Keepers

Elvis Andrus, Texas Rangers, 6.02 RP/27

Hanley Ramirez, Florida Marlins, 6.10 RP/27

Jamey Carroll, Los Angeles Dodgers, 6.24 RP/27

Eduardo Nunez, New York Yankees, 6.35 RP/27

Mike Fontenot, San Francisco Giants, 6.42 RP/27

Erick Aybar, Los Angeles Angerls of Anaheim, 6.97 RP/27

Yunel Escobar, Toronto Blue Jays, 7.79 RP/27

Don't Jamey Carroll and Mike Fontenot stand out like sore thumbs on that list?  This is a strange place in the list because Nunez and Fontenot benefit from playing very well in a limited number of at bats, Carroll is randomly having a great year, and the rest are really good players.  What amazes me is how Yunel Escobar is the 6th best Shortstop, and he is far above Aybar, shows us how good these next 5 will be.

Cream of the Crop
Deserves the Money He Just Made: J.J. Hardy, Baltimore Orioles
Just recently signed a 3 year $22 Million extension with Baltimore, and I guess he might be earning that money thus far.  Completely snubbed from the All-Star Game, and I can't believe nobody else made much of a deal about it.  He was only slightly better than Yunel Escobar with 7.92 RP/27, but that is a phenomenal season.

Just 'Cause It Ain't September Yet: Troy Tulowitzki, Colorado Rockies
He is already producing 8.13 runs a game as a team, and that is before we realize that he usually doesn't warm up until mid-August.  I'm going to pencil him in for at least 9.5 by the end of the season and shit my pants on behalf of the rest of the N.L. West.  My personal pick for best Shortstop in the game.

The Conversation Piece: Asdrubal Cabrera, Cleveland Indians
So yes, Asdrubal Cabrera has currently cracked the top 3 Shortstops in the game as I previously suggested to my brother.  Please excuse me while I dance about being right.  Okay, I'm back.  Cabrera has 8.71 RP/27 and probably would give up about .4 runs per 27 outs defensively.  Yes, I am saying Asdrubal Cabrera could likely shut out a team if he pitched, caught and played every other position on the field.  He is either that good defensively, or so flashy that it deceives me.  His 8 errors probably suggests the latter, still top 3 shortstop in the game.

Every play he makes seems to be like this

Why Does Nobody Pay Attention To Him? Jhonny Peralta, Detroit Tigers
I expect this surprises a lot of people, but Peralta, much like every other positional player on the Tigers, is enjoying a great year with the bat.  He is over 3 runs better than average, with a 9.04 RP/27 and an All-Star appearance after Derek Jeter decided he was too tired to have fun or acknowledge his fans.  If the Tigers finally overtake the Indians for the AL Central crown, he will probably be a big deal.  Jhonny Peralta, remember the name.

NL MVP: Jose Reyes, New York Mets
The Mets can be proud of something, Reyes is incredible, and 30% better than Peralta with a RP/27 of 11.8.  124 hits, 185 total bases, 30 steals, .354/.398/.529, no more needs to be said.

He just always looks like he is having fun, I would too if I was the best at what I do.

Secrets Revealed

There are certain things an individual must accomplish to be successful in life regardless if you want to use your entrepreneurial skills to invent a new product, become a successful asshole in the business world, or make tons of money doing something you love. No one wants to be remembered as a failure. So as a highly respected blogger with just under 5 subscribers, I thought I would be the perfect person to tell you how to be successful. I also think that I should give back to all those people who have helped me become so successful and afford to carry forward in my life of leisure. So get out your notebooks and get ready to pen the words that will shape you into a winner.

Winners are the people at work who make the big bucks. If you want to make that kind of dough then you need to play the game right. Second best is not an option, besides, we all know that women go for the guys who make the most money. I want to help you score the woman of your dreams to revel in your success with you. Remember, behind every rich man is a beautiful lady, just watch out for the divorce papers. Life is all about being successful, which means that it's all about money. You need to get as much money as you possibly can so you can buy all the luxuries you don't need. You don't even want to know what I've been able to buy with all the proceeds from blogging, sometimes I envy myself.

I cannot wait to marry him

I absolutely guarantee that my great wisdom and understanding of success will lead you to your dream job and more importantly, your dream life. I would normally charge for such valuable information, but I owe all my success as a blogger to my plethora of subscribers. I wouldn't be ninety-nine hundred thousand short of a million without you. As a token of my good will, I present you with the key to success:

2 Rules of Success

1. Never tell everything you know

Origins of a Name

I didn't want to have to write the first two posts for this blog, but it looks like I'm going to have to backpack these slobs until they can find something to write about (joking).  My best idea for writing that I have now is just a little more insight into who I am, and why I only sometimes call myself Chase Robertson.

I'm almost done with this shit.

Among many other pieces of catchy bullshit, William Shakespeare once wrote "What's in a name?  A rose by any other name would smell as sweet."  If you don't believe me compare his classical play with its semi-namesake Gnomeo & Juliet, or examine the immense difference between Eva Longoria and Evan Longoria (I still claim that to be the most important N of all time), now you see my point.  It is in the opposite stream of thought that I was in when I made my decision to adopt the name Chase Robertson for random intents and purposes.

Suck it Shakespeare, that's my job.

I can trace the idea back to a few years ago when my brother and a friend of his were going to the beach for a week and were making up fake names to use when talking to girls because they would likely only see them that once in their entire life, and it can be fun to be someone else for a day.  This struck me as particularly interesting because I have a very common first name (Shocker! My name isn't really Chase Robertson!) and have actually had people forget my name because it is so common they just guess another common name and get it wrong.  So I started out by trying to find a unique first name that I know would stick in people's heads when I told them, since I am a big baseball fan I eventually heard the name of Chase Utley and instantly liked the sound of the name Chase.   The last name came from my desire to keep my initials intact, because it would be a clever way of not being completely full of shit, and I went with a simple last name, Robertson.

Is it the name or the professional athlete part that makes him more attractive than me?

Now that we know the origins of Chase Robertson, we can now indulge into the character he turned out to be.  I kept the name on the back-burner for quite some time, but eventually in college I started using the name when I talked to girls when I was drunk, as well as in general when I was drunk.  My friends always thought it was a weird thing to do but to tell you the truth, I think making up stories and getting people to believe them is some of the most fun I've had at parties, it always reminds me of that part of the Catcher in the Rye when Holden is talking to one of his classmate's mom on the train.  After a few times out using the name, my friends embraced the name Chase Robertson as the collection of all my bad attributes, including the tendency to make up fake names and stories.  I have tried to keep him from coming out into the real world, and finally succeeded by allowing him to exist only in the Blogosphere.  And that is the story of why Chase Robertson writes and why he only sometimes calls himself Chase Robertson, I hope it wasn't a boring story, and continue checking us out at Retentive Gibberish.

I hope this isn't what we have going on now.

Inaugural Post

Hello there, my battery is about to die so I will be quick.  Today marks the start of a new era in blogging history.  This is the brainchild of Toninho and Chase Robertson.  We will start the world's greatest blog ever with the help of our esteemed compadres, Puggsy Bougues and Caleidoscope Jones.  We know our billions of subscribers have been awaiting this and despite many pleas from Blogger to not make this blog in fear that we will fill up all of their bandwidth and no other bloggers will be able to hone their craft to come anywhere near our skills.  You are welcome, so please enjoy.
Signed,
Those whose names are listed in the post above.

About .01% of our fans!